It’s January 7th, and folks have already messed up 2024, and I see fast-look-forwarding to 2025 in full effect. Na wa o. But I am not talking about myself abeg…who told you I deluded myself with delusional New Year resolutions? I’ve already had ice cream, chocolate chip cookies, and huge pancakes this past week.
And I am not mad at myself whatsoever. I will eat what I want, not go with the juju science of what some overly deprived self-designated Instagram fitness guru says I should.
Why beat yourself up? As an African, a Naija bobo, an Igbo boy…you want me to stop eating yam? Okra soup with fufu? Bread and tea? Chin-chin, the world’s most underrated and most delicious cookie snack ever? Rice and stew with goat meat? You want me to feel guilty and flagellate myself about enjoying the foods that I love and grew up with?
You dey craze.
There’s this excerpt from Ian Sander’s 365 Ways of Having A Good Day, Day 255—Don’t Beat Your Self Up, that I would like to riff thru with you. Powerful piece. His stuff in quotes, my comments underdeath:
Don’t Beat Yourself Up
Like me, the entrepreneur David Hieatt is really interested in hacking the right habits and behaviors to have a good day. Part of it is managing his relationship with his phone. David aims to not look at his phone for the first hour of the day and then to put it away for the evening.
Most of the time.
You already know how I feel about the phone. The ultimate weapon of mass distraction. The merchant of FOMO and YOLO. But I digress, this is not about that. Note the mention of “most of the time”.
David said there are occassions when he will break his rule. And he is okay with that, because it aligns with his philosopy: That the default is the default, and exceptions are exceptions.
The default is the default, and exceptions are exceptions. Say that three times, and call me in the morning. That is a mantra right there, one that I have had no choice but to adapt and live by. We’ve all read Atomic Habits, and a mindless number of books/blogs/think pieces that give us wahala about building an operating system of routines that you must adhere to live your best life. Yet, we break them. Inevitably.
What he means is that being careful with his phone time remains his default position. It’s what he will always go back to. And when there are exceptions, he won’t beat himself up.
What is your default? That is the key…knowing your default. And then make sure you recognize the exceptions to your default. I had ice cream last night. That was my choice. It was a very delicious, creamy, wonderful, sultry exception to my default of an apple or orange. No self-beating here o. No ruminating, regretting, (over)reflecting, chew self outing.
If you manage to keep up a habit for 300 days a year, David says, but fall off the wagon for the rest, then he reckons that’s a pretty good success rate. It’s a forgiving position, as well as pragmatic, and much better than beating yourself up every time you let slip.
When my daughter goes in on herself, and it can tough to watch, I remind her that if anyone else was to say the things she was saying to herself, using the rough language and bearing down on her over and over and over, there would be hell to pay. Right? Think of the last exception to your default, and how you bodyslammed yourself ruthlessly and without mercy. Now replace your berating voice with that coworker who gets on your nerves and always taking credit for your work.
Yeah.
When you hit an exception, reset to default. Find a forgiving position. Flip the freaking script. Stay pragmatic. Your default is your default. And exceptions are exceptions. No wahala.
Go with your beat. That’s it.
Time to be going.